Day 5: The Day I Was Electrocuted By My Umbrella

It's quite nice going to bed when it's raining outside. The patter of rain on the windows sometimes helps me get to sleep. What's not so nice, however, is being woken up repeatedly throughout the night by rain and wind pounding so relentlessly against the window, that I'm convinced it's going to smash. I don't think I slept for more than ten minutes after about 5am.

Thought it would be a good idea to take my umbrella (which I found on the train a couple of months ago) to work today. I was standing at the station minding my own business when I noticed a distinct buzzing sound coming from the metal shaft of my umbrella! Half curious, half confused, I moved my ear closer to the shaft. ZAP! My umbrella electrocuted my ear. I mean, it wasn't painful...more of a static shock. But what sort of umbrella electrocutes you when it's raining? I'm beginning to think that someone had left that umbrella on the train deliberately.

My brother, Jake, called me up at work this afternoon and asked if I could buy him a couple of pads of paper on the way home. I told him it wouldn't be a problem. He then called about twenty minutes later to ask if I could bring home a pack of Post It notes. I'm getting slightly concerned that Jake is revisiting his stationery fetish. When he was younger he developed an unnatural obsession with stationery. His main vice? The humble fountain pen. Whilst most kids were collecting Pokemon cards, Pogs and yo-yos, Jake was busy hoarding biros, rollerballs and felt tip pens.

When Jake was approaching his 12th birthday, my parents decided it was about time that they weaned him off of stationery. I remember them taking him to Toys R Us and telling him that he could go off and choose whatever he wanted in the whole store. He came back ten minutes later with an A4 refill pad. For his next birthday my parents took him to the London Graphics Centre.

I also remember a time when my dad picked up the phone to a sales woman who wanted to discuss a large purchase of pens with Jake Arnold. My dad replied, 'Are you aware that Jake Arnold is seven?' Apparently, he had placed an order for a case of office stationery that had been advertised on TV.

My parents went on holiday this morning. Before they left, my mum told me that I need to get rid of the 10ft pole that's lying in my room (not to be confused with the 5ft Pole - our cleaner Monika who often buys us strange chocolates from Eastern Europe).

I think I need to put this whole pole thing in context. About a week before Christmas, my friend Sam Roman and I decided that we would buy each other Christmas presents. The budget was £15. Obviously I wasn't going to buy him anything normal. So I went to B&Q Warehouse in search of the most obscure items I could find. I came out with a kitchen sink that had been reduced from £120 to £11 and a 10ft plastic pole. I also went to Tesco and bought him the head of a salmon, which I gift wrapped in a beautiful jewellery box (Sam later rewrapped the head and gave it to his girlfriend Carla). The problem was that there was no way of me getting the 10ft pole to Sam's house on Christmas Day. So it's currently lying in my bedroom - a burden that I'm finding impossible to get rid of.