The Day I Returned

They say bad luck always comes in groups of three; and in the last couple of days, three things of mine have completely broken.

The first thing to spontaneously break was my car. The small dent on the bumper that I accidently caused on Day 2 is now completely insignificant compared to the state that the car is currently in. I was happy driving home from the cinema a couple of nights ago when my car decided to have an impromptu personality crisis. Instead of acting like a regular Mini, it decided that it would rather be a Lamborghini. The gentlest of touches on the accelerator and the engine would rev uncontrollably, throwing me back violently against the seat and sending the car zooming down the road.

That was actually quite cool, apart from the fact that at 30mph the engine sounded like it was going to explode and the fact that the car was emitting a horrendous smell not too dissimilar to one of those farts that you do when you’re ill.

I realised I couldn’t go on like this. I phoned my car insurance company and asked if they could send someone to tow my car home. An hour later a guy turned up, completely bald with a round glossy head and virtually no chin. I’d asked the insurance company to send someone to tow my car…what they had sent was essentially a hard boiled egg on legs.

To cut a long story short, I need a new gearbox. The problem is, a new gearbox is almost as much as the car is worth.

The second thing that’s not working is my debit card…and for once it’s not because I have no money on it. I was in the supermarket buying a few bits and pieces, went to pay, and nothing. Card not recognised. I’d already packed all of the stuff into plastic bags. Luckily, I was with Kosky at the time so forced him to pay for everything. I can’t even begin to think how degrading it would have been to unpack the bags and return the food because I couldn’t pay for it. Anyway, it turns out the magnetic strip of the card has failed and I have to wait 3-5 working days to get a new one.

The third thing that broke was my laptop charger. One minute it was absolutely fine, happily charging away like a well-behaved charger should. Then last night, it decided to split in half for no apparent reason.

I had no choice but to go to Apple and buy a replacement. How much do you think a laptop charger should cost? A tenner? £15 max? Try £50. I couldn’t believe it! £50 to buy a wire! It wasn’t even like it was £49.99 and I could’ve tricked my brain into thinking it was cheaper than it was.

To make matters worse, the queue was a complete joke. I had to wait for about 20 minutes behind a line of iGimps salivating at the fact that they were about to buy something from Apple. Eventually I got to the front. ‘You do realise that £50 for a charger is essentially daylight robbery?’ I said to the gormless pleb standing behind the till. ‘I know’, he replied, a few seconds later.

As I walked out of Apple my phone started ringing. It was Jake. ‘What’s news?’ he asked. ‘Everything in my life is breaking’, I said. ‘My car, my debit card, my charger’.

‘It’s your fault’, he replied. ‘You’ve got negative energy and you’re inviting the bad luck into your life’. Now let me explain. A few months ago, Jake bought a book called The Secret, a self-help book that encourages positive thinking and gradually helps you to transcend from a normal human being into a spiritual, overly optimistic wanker.

‘What do you mean?’ I asked.

‘Well, your car broke. Then you got so annoyed about the car breaking that your negative aura is causing other things in your life to break.’ By the way, this is a genuine conversation that I had with my brother, who is three weeks away from graduating.

‘You need to focus on positive thoughts and positive things will happen’, he continued. ‘Tell me something good that’s happened today’.

‘Well, not much really’, I answered. ‘Although, I did go for a poo earlier and got splashback right up my bum hole. It was a bit of a shock, but actually quite refreshing.’

‘This is what I mean’, he said. ‘You’ve got a bad attitude and it’s making negative things happen to you.’

‘You’re talking rubbish’, I said angrily. ‘You’re telling me that my car broke down and I got so angry that the negative energy corrupted the magnetic strip on my debit card which, in turn, split my laptop charger’. I was getting more and more heated. ‘Jake, you’re talking absolute…’ and then my phone died. Another bloody thing that’s broken!

They say bad luck always comes in groups of three; and if a fourth bad thing happens…well, it’s no exception to the rule. It’s probably just the first of the next group of three.

Maybe I’ll give this Secret book a read.

Happy Friday. More next week.